IT IS SO EERIE IN HERE
Lately I have been binge watching TV series on Netflix.
Yeah, y'all should switch to Netflix now. It's cheap, like RM51 cheap for an account that can accommodate up to 4 users.
Except I dont share my account with anyone. I'm an ass like that.
You wanna share with me, you pay upfront. I'm done being nice as well.
Of late I find escape on good TV series. It started with me watching Drop Dead Diva, because who doesnt love a chubby girl who defies normalities? But then I realize there's a lot of flaws in the series itself.
I hunt for something more meaningful. I stumbled upon 13 Reasons Why. A TV show that depicts the ongoing problems we have with teen suicide now.
It's graphic and it opens up your mind about how we perceive people who deals with depression issues and suicidal tendencies. It hits a little too close to home because currently, I'm on my healing journey.
The society loves to belittle depression sufferers as if they're full of dramas. Even little things can set them off, things that is of little significant to you.
You see, when you're in a bad place, you tend to not realize what is going on. Your mind is blank. There's a lot going on inside your head at first, but after a while the voices and worry just go to rest. It became mute and now, welcome to the world of eerie silence and not much to say or do. You lost your meaning in life, grasping on even the slightest thing that could make you feel alive.
What naturally comes next? How about disappearance act? Either by moving away or by throwing your life into the dustbin. Whichever.
Problem is, some of these little things holds no value to most of you. It could be a car ride in the morning, the random stranger's wishing you hello, or even a cup of good coffee prepared by your usual barista. I had all these stripped away from me at the peak of my depression.
Familiar faces that's no longer there.
Text messages that stops coming.
Silly things that kept me going through life.
My own sanity being questioned when I have almost none to spare.
Worst of all, having to deal with others who think they know what they're talking about.
"Oh I've deal with this kind of issue before. You just have to be strong. I knew I was before." Hate to break it to you that I'm not you and you're definitely not me.
Well, pardon my language but F you. You think you've got it all figure out for me. No, you dont. This is my life, it aint yours.
You dont even know how it feels like to be at the tip of the iceberg, let alone to have everything stripped away from you. You had words you can play with and you're so frickin' privileged. But problem is, you think everyone is as privileged as you.
Stop. Stop doing that because you're privileged and most people are not. Stop lying to yourself by telling yourself "oh I deal with people like you, I'm so in tune."
Word of advice: if you dont know shit, it's OK to just say you dont know. We dont have to be Mr/Ms Know It All. This is individual life, not a competition. There's no prize to be won here.
I guess, discovering that I have no strength left and it is OK to reach out to people who truly cares about you are actually an OK thing to do did it for me. I used to want to be strong for everyone. I used to want to protect but in the end, nobody is there to protect me from the storm.
That it is actually OK to cry and be sad. To feel helpless and not know all the answers. To have someone else arrange it for me because I'm just another humanbeing and I'm weak.
I struggle to accept that I have weaknesses but now that I'm learning to, I often found myself in the hands of people who really wants the right change for me. Not people who wants the change to benefit them.
Unfortunately, Hannah Baker took her life in the series. Unfortunately, everyone realizes too late that there is so much more they can do to help but they did nothing. The damage is done. Hannah cut her wrist and bled to death alone.
I was Hannah a couple of weeks ago. Figuratively speaking.
But somebody manage to catch me in the act, wrap my wounds, call for professional help.
To all the people who had contributes to my down spiral, I forgive you. But I dont forget your words or your actions. You'll forever live with regrets knowing in your life, you had destroyed someone else's hopes and dreams.
May we never cross path again, and may you never inflict these kind of pain to others.
....and may you soon know how it feels like to be in my shoes. May you have your own savior then.
Yeah, y'all should switch to Netflix now. It's cheap, like RM51 cheap for an account that can accommodate up to 4 users.
Except I dont share my account with anyone. I'm an ass like that.
You wanna share with me, you pay upfront. I'm done being nice as well.
Of late I find escape on good TV series. It started with me watching Drop Dead Diva, because who doesnt love a chubby girl who defies normalities? But then I realize there's a lot of flaws in the series itself.
I hunt for something more meaningful. I stumbled upon 13 Reasons Why. A TV show that depicts the ongoing problems we have with teen suicide now.
It's graphic and it opens up your mind about how we perceive people who deals with depression issues and suicidal tendencies. It hits a little too close to home because currently, I'm on my healing journey.
The society loves to belittle depression sufferers as if they're full of dramas. Even little things can set them off, things that is of little significant to you.
You see, when you're in a bad place, you tend to not realize what is going on. Your mind is blank. There's a lot going on inside your head at first, but after a while the voices and worry just go to rest. It became mute and now, welcome to the world of eerie silence and not much to say or do. You lost your meaning in life, grasping on even the slightest thing that could make you feel alive.
What naturally comes next? How about disappearance act? Either by moving away or by throwing your life into the dustbin. Whichever.
Problem is, some of these little things holds no value to most of you. It could be a car ride in the morning, the random stranger's wishing you hello, or even a cup of good coffee prepared by your usual barista. I had all these stripped away from me at the peak of my depression.
Familiar faces that's no longer there.
Text messages that stops coming.
Silly things that kept me going through life.
My own sanity being questioned when I have almost none to spare.
Worst of all, having to deal with others who think they know what they're talking about.
"Oh I've deal with this kind of issue before. You just have to be strong. I knew I was before." Hate to break it to you that I'm not you and you're definitely not me.
Well, pardon my language but F you. You think you've got it all figure out for me. No, you dont. This is my life, it aint yours.
You dont even know how it feels like to be at the tip of the iceberg, let alone to have everything stripped away from you. You had words you can play with and you're so frickin' privileged. But problem is, you think everyone is as privileged as you.
Stop. Stop doing that because you're privileged and most people are not. Stop lying to yourself by telling yourself "oh I deal with people like you, I'm so in tune."
Word of advice: if you dont know shit, it's OK to just say you dont know. We dont have to be Mr/Ms Know It All. This is individual life, not a competition. There's no prize to be won here.
I guess, discovering that I have no strength left and it is OK to reach out to people who truly cares about you are actually an OK thing to do did it for me. I used to want to be strong for everyone. I used to want to protect but in the end, nobody is there to protect me from the storm.
That it is actually OK to cry and be sad. To feel helpless and not know all the answers. To have someone else arrange it for me because I'm just another humanbeing and I'm weak.
I struggle to accept that I have weaknesses but now that I'm learning to, I often found myself in the hands of people who really wants the right change for me. Not people who wants the change to benefit them.
Unfortunately, Hannah Baker took her life in the series. Unfortunately, everyone realizes too late that there is so much more they can do to help but they did nothing. The damage is done. Hannah cut her wrist and bled to death alone.
I was Hannah a couple of weeks ago. Figuratively speaking.
But somebody manage to catch me in the act, wrap my wounds, call for professional help.
To all the people who had contributes to my down spiral, I forgive you. But I dont forget your words or your actions. You'll forever live with regrets knowing in your life, you had destroyed someone else's hopes and dreams.
May we never cross path again, and may you never inflict these kind of pain to others.
....and may you soon know how it feels like to be in my shoes. May you have your own savior then.
Comments
Post a Comment