FEEDING THE GREED

I'm going through a transition phase. For those who didnt know, recently I started wearing a hijab. This is how I look like now.

Which is, a major change from how I looked like before. But I digress. continuing to our main subject for today.

It has been almost a year since I decided to put on my hijab (this is out of work context, I am still a Flight Attendant and I dont wear one with my uniform). Since the change, a lot of interesting things has happened to me. 

I was talking to a good friend of mine the other day and realised that since the day I decided to cover up my hair, I havent change that much. Maybe in the slightest but overall not much. Ironically, my decision was supported by most of my non-Muslim friends than my fellow comrades.

My non-muslim friends feared for the change to come. But I had it all good, I had a good support system and I treat them no less than the way I treated them before, I have been hearing a lot of Islamophobia, but I am grateful I didnt have to experience any of these.

You see, the hijab is now part of my identity, it is an integral part of my image now, I was asked if the hijab makes me feel any different than who I was befere. Truth is, it doesnt feel that much different. I had it on by a change of heart, but it doesnt translate to a change of personality. I am still the same old Alia, albeit looking a little different than before.

Nobody forces me to put one on my head.

My parents didnt force me to wear one.

My friends didnt peer-pressured me into covering my hair.

The society I live in, or should I re-address the correct concept, the environment that I live in didnt demand me to do so.

So what makes me want to do it? My urge to stop feeding all kind of greed I have inside me.

It is a simple act of trying to become a better person (we might differ here, but I like to think I have put my faith where it should be). I believe in the fact that we all live in society where achievements are to be celebrated. Any milestones had is to be deemed as victorius regardless of what is behind it. 

But what do we gain from being victorious? True happiness?

Sometimes we didnt realise our happiness is the source of someone else's misery. Our pool of joy is the reason why someone else is bitter. I had that thought all these while. I see happy family's picture and I want it. I see people get married and I am out of sudden rushing to be a bride. I see people getting good jobs/promotions and I am eager to be somewhere else just not where I was at that time. I see people getting pregnant and I cant wait to be a mom.

It has led me down the path of destructions. I burned bridges with others. I dug up that nasty can of worms. I destroyed trust and belittle other's faith.

I forgot that when I stop chasing happiness and just live my life, happiness would want to be with me. 

Gradually I stop looking for it. I stop feeding my greed. I stop feeling like I am not good for anything at all. Life starts falling back into places. 

I tell myself that piece of clothing that I have on my head holds more values than I assume it has, It has given me strength and restore some of my dignity. My self esteem took a huge blow when I chased after so many things, but now that I value myself more, I can finally sit back and relax. I can comfortably take the back seat and enjoy the ride. I dont have to be anyone. I just have to be myself.

I tried so hard to fit in the role of "a hijabi woman" that the change I was hoping to materialize has been inside me all these while. I looked for it everywhere when I dont have to go anywhere. I was so afraid of being stagnant that I forgot true happiness is being happy in your own skin, You dont have to go anywhere to get it. Happiness is sitting by your window, not doing anything but you still ended up being content with yourself.

It's funny how life happens when you change to the slow lane for once. You see life moves beautifully and you stop wondering if it's for you or not. Being in the fast lane feels so overwhelming. 

Many things has changed for the last few months. But for once, I am content to be where I am. It can only gets better from here.